Feeling numb or disconnected
How Psychodynamic Counselling can help
Sometimes you can look like you're doing absolutely fine on the outside, while feeling very different on the inside.
You might be getting on with work, seeing friends, looking after your family and doing everything you normally do. But something feels missing. You don't feel particularly sad, but you don't feel particularly happy either. You might describe it as feeling numb, flat, disconnected or as though you're simply going through the motions.
Perhaps you find yourself thinking, “I don't really know what's wrong. I just don't feel like me anymore.” You may even wonder whether you're ungrateful because, on paper, your life looks okay.
Feeling disconnected from yourself can be difficult to explain. There isn't always one obvious thing that has caused it, and that can make it even harder to know what to do.
What does feeling numb or disconnected feel like?
Numbness can look different for everyone. You might feel emotionally flat or find it difficult to get excited about things you used to enjoy. Perhaps you're going through the motions without really feeling present in your own life.
You may find it difficult to know what you want or need. You might struggle to connect with other people, even when you're surrounded by them. Perhaps you feel detached from your emotions, or you notice that you rarely cry, get angry or allow yourself to become vulnerable.
Sometimes people describe it as feeling like they're watching their life from the outside.
And sometimes the feeling is simply, “I don't feel like myself anymore.”
Why do we become disconnected from ourselves?
From a psychodynamic perspective, I'd be curious about what the numbness might be protecting you from.Our minds develop ways of managing feelings that can sometimes feel too difficult, painful or overwhelming. We may learn to push feelings down, keep ourselves busy or focus on what other people need instead. If you've spent years being the strong one, the capable one or the person who keeps everything together, you may have become very good at carrying on regardless of how you're actually feeling.
Perhaps there wasn't much space for your own feelings.
Perhaps you learned that being upset wasn't particularly helpful, or that other people's needs came first. Over time, disconnecting from what you feel can become something you do without even realising it. What once helped you cope can eventually leave you feeling disconnected from yourself.
Sometimes we lose touch with what we want.
One of the things that can happen when we've spent a long time adapting to other people's needs is that we lose touch with our own.
You might know exactly what everyone else wants from you, but struggle to answer a simple question: “What do you want?”
You may find yourself saying yes automatically, avoiding difficult conversations or making decisions based on what will keep everyone else happy. Eventually, it can become difficult to know where other people's expectations end and your own wishes begin.
This can be particularly noticeable during periods of change. Midlife, relationship changes, becoming a parent, children leaving home, career changes, bereavement or perimenopause and menopause can all make us question who we are and what we actually want from our lives. Sometimes feeling disconnected is a sign that the way you've been living no longer fits who you're becoming.
What would we actually do in counselling?
If you came to see me because you were feeling numb or disconnected, I wouldn't expect you to arrive knowing exactly what you need.
We would start with what is happening for you now. We might explore when you first noticed feeling different, what was happening in your life at the time and what it is like for you to talk about your feelings. We would also pay attention to the things that are difficult to say or feel. Perhaps you find yourself telling me that everything is fine when it doesn't really feel fine. Perhaps you notice that you struggle to know what you're feeling. Or maybe you become uncomfortable when we get close to something that feels more emotional. These moments can be useful. Rather than forcing you to feel something, we can become curious about what happens when feelings begin to emerge. The relationship in the room matters too.
Psychodynamic counselling isn't just about talking about your past. The relationship between us can also help us understand how you connect with other people.
You might find it difficult to trust me.
You might worry about being judged.
You might feel uncomfortable taking up space or asking for what you need.
Or you might find yourself keeping things very safe and talking about what's happening in your life without letting me know how it actually feels for you.
There is no right or wrong way to be in therapy.
These experiences can become part of what we explore together, helping you understand patterns that may also be present in your relationships outside the counselling room.
Reconnecting with yourself
The aim isn't to make you feel everything all at once. If you've spent a long time disconnected from difficult feelings, suddenly opening the floodgates isn't necessarily helpful. Instead, therapy can provide a safe space to become more curious about yourself and gradually develop a greater awareness of what you're feeling, what you need and what matters to you. You may begin to recognise feelings that you've previously pushed aside. You may become more aware of your boundaries and needs. You may start to understand why certain relationships or situations affect you in particular ways. And gradually, you may begin to feel more present in your own life. Not simply doing what you're supposed to do, but having a stronger sense of who you are and what feels true for you.
Counselling for feeling numb or disconnected in Leicester, Melton Mowbray and online
I'm Deb, a qualified psychodynamic counsellor and registered member of the BACP. I offer counselling in Leicester, Melton Mowbray and online across the UK.
I work with people who feel stuck, overwhelmed, numb or disconnected from themselves. This can be connected to anxiety, low mood, relationships, life transitions, midlife, perimenopause and menopause, or simply a feeling that something has changed and you don't quite know what it is.
My approach is warm, non-judgemental and genuine. I work at your pace, while being curious about what might be happening underneath the surface.
You don't need to know exactly what's wrong before you start counselling.
Sometimes the first step towards reconnecting with yourself is simply having somewhere you can begin to explore what you've been feeling, or perhaps what you've stopped feeling.